On the outside
by Lady Kiren
Summary: Hisoka's musings on Tsuzuki


On the outside

Disclaimer: I do not own Yami no Matsuei

A/N: I toyed with this title as well: On the outside looking in. Anyway this is a one-shot of Hisoka's musings on his partner Tsuzuki.

On the outside, Tsuzuki is a care-free, happy-go-lucky guy. He is always smiling, or whining cutely (yes that's right…it's cute). He has this adorable inu form when he's happy or he's begging. And he loves sweets, in a very obsessive way. He is always thinking about food too, not just sweets. And whenever we get a new assignment, he blows the budget on food. He looks so much younger when he smiles. How do I know this? I watch him, all the time. When he's supposed to be doing paperwork, but really staring off into space I sneak glances at him. That's another thing; he's lazy when it comes work. He always takes snack breaks, lunch breaks, and random breaks.

Tsuzuki wants everyone to think he's ok; he wants everyone to think that this is what he really is as if the past doesn't exist at all. He acts lazy and care-free so people don't get too close to know the truth. I do this, so I know. The only other person besides myself who has had a glimpse into Tsuzuki's troubled mind was Tatsumi. But in the end, it was too much for Tatsumi, too much pain lay in those amethyst eyes.

After Tatsumi stopped being Tsuzuki's partner, Tsuzuki worked even harder to make everyone believe that he was happy. He kept being lazy and scaring his partners off, he never got a promotion because he said he liked being lazy and not working. And at first, his façade fooled me as well. I thought he was lazy, way too happy and too care-free for his own good.

But now…I know better.

The thing about Tsuzuki is, that he slowly reveals himself without knowing it. He cares way too much about others. When he saved me from Muraki that first time, I realized that he cares more for other's than himself. It made me realize how much less he valued his own life over other's lives.

But what really opened my eyes was when he first touched me. I'm an empath, so I can pick up on other's emotions but when they touch me…it's magnified at least ten tens. Feelings are so much stronger that way, so usually I can't take it when people touch me.

When he touched me that first time, I felt so many painful emotions. Self-disgust, sadness, anger at himself, self-doubt, and most of all: pain. It was so strong it literally hurt my heart. I pushed him away, unable to take it anymore but I still felt it.

From then on, I watched my partner more closely. I analyzed his every move. I noticed that when he did stare off into space, his eyes were sad. They looked as though painful thoughts plagued them. And they grew a darker shade of violet then as well.

Tsuzuki showed his desire to protect people once again when they got involved with Hijiri. Tsuzuki vowed to protect him and do all he could to keep Hijiri safe from the devil. But I couldn't make that promise, I knew that I couldn't do anything about the devil and at the time, I thought my partner couldn't either.

With Tsuzuki you learn that there is more than meets the eye. Tsuzuki has twelve gods that protect him. Most Shinigami are lucky to get maybe two and they have to fight the gods in order to use their power. In Tsuzuki's case they just offered to protect him. They all had unwavering loyalty and power all at his command.

And although Tsuzuki easily got rid of the devil's body with his white tiger, the devil became a parasite to Tsuzuki. This is where I learned that sometimes, Tsuzuki's greatest weakness is not others…but himself. The way that the devil finally took over Tsuzuki was by trapping Tsuzuki in his own dark past, forcing him to relive his worst memories over and over again.

And then…Kyoto happened.

From the very start Muraki had started to plague Tsuzuki. Tsuzuki had even saved me from him and later he seemed oddly…distracted. Later I had found him awake early and walked the philosopher's path. But when I had asked Tsuzuki how he was, he replied with a sad smiled and an 'I'm fine.' I told him he was being unfair by not telling me about him and he said that he would rather be the bad man now than have people know his secret and despise him later. After that…he wouldn't talk to me.

Later Muraki killed a girl that we had talked to, in front of Tsuzuki. Then he made Tsuzuki think that because the girl had talked to us he had killed her. Tsuzuki was a mess after that and I was totally helpless. I had never had to deal with such intense emotions. Tatsumi showed up thank goodness. He helped Tsuzuki and I get out of there. Tatsumi is strange, I haven't figured him out. He was once Tsuzuki's partner but couldn't deal with him so he left. But he is still very protective of Tsuzuki. He vowed to get Muraki for what he had done to my partner.

I now know why Tsuzuki is trying to hide his past from others. He is ashamed of himself, he doesn't think he is human. In life Tsuzuki tried to kill himself several times before finally succeeding. He doesn't want other's to know, that's why he wears that watch even though he's right handed. He hates not being able to help others. He hates to fail when he's promised his protection, he hates death in general. He hates himself.

That's what I see. Tsuzuki is like a very dark book, happy at the beginning but you have to read the whole story and go deeper to get a real idea of who he is. I hate seeing him in pain, I know why Tatsumi left though. When you are with Tsuzuki you know he already has enough pain to cause him tears and so you don't want to add to it. But sometimes, it gets too hard.

I want to protect him with all my heart, and that scares me. I've never felt that way before about anyone. But Tsuzuki changed me, I'd like to think I've had some sort of an effect on him but he is still hard-pressed to open up sometimes. I see less pain now, but I know it's there, inside. He never stops feeling it but when he does, I'm there for him. I'm not fooled but the outside anymore, I'm looking in.

Fin

A/N: Please review.


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